I am so tired

First, I want to just come right and say if you disagree with any part of my post PLEASE just keep it to yourself.  I don't want to hear it.  I have heard it all.  Every side of the fence and the fence is an octagon.  These are my thoughts and my and my feelings.  This is just for mental health, for me to unload and clear my head not to be torn down because someone thinks their point of view is more right than mine.  SO HERE I GO.....

Second,  FUCK COVID!!!! I know that if you are my family you hate my mouth, and if you are one of my nurse comrades... well, we have all paused to scream this out several times now.  We are TIRED!!!!

Third,  our life as a medical worker in a global pandemic.....  This goes for the Nurses, CMT's, CNA's, housekeepers, laundry workers, cooks, kitchen aids, social workers, transportation, ect...  If they work in a hospital, Dr.'s office, or like me a Nursing Home, let me tell you about some of the thoughts and feelings bouncing around in our heads for the last 9 .  When this all started we didn't know what to think.  In the beginning it was doom and gloom and if you got it you would more than likely die.  Every couple of days the rules changed, new CMS updates and guideline shuffles.  Lies and fake news, medical interventions and treatment possibilities, seeing light at the end of the tunnel then shattered possibilities.

In the beginning,  we stayed away from everyone because we were so at risk of bringing it to work or bringing it to our families.  We didn't know what to do.  In our hearts we are protectors, healers but everyone is basically telling us we are walking, talking incubators of potential viral warfare.  In the beginning, staff are either so scared they quit right away and leave us even further short staffed, working longer hours and more days than we do already or they plow on for the good of all, our patients, our families and our bills.  Our long hours prevented us from getting out much.  If we stopped by the store in our scrubs instead of getting thanked for our hard work and diligent service of others, we might get screamed at for actually being covid (yes this happened to me).  We worked so much we barely had time to shop and when we did get off in time, there certainly wasn't any toilet paper for us. Nor milk or paper towel, eggs and dog food.  

As time has went on, Covid has remained uncertain ever changing and completely full of miss information that seems as if it is more designed to scare than help. One day telling us this and that is what we have to do then two days later telling us that instead of this.   

As a geriatric nurse I watched the news each days as they told us the most susceptible people were anyone with commodities.  You watch as New York send positive people to live in nursing homes.  The very place were everyone has multiple commodities. You watch the news and the internet as all those people die.  You hear about possible cures and treatments.  You hear the president say they are having good studies on them.  You watch other countries give out those treatments but the media say they are too dangerous.  You watch governors band the medication because they don't like the president so they say a medication that has been given for a little as prevention of malaria that people are given when going on vacation to other countries.  I personally don't understand how the possible side effect that one can get can be worse than the side effect of death.

As a geriatric nurse we worried each minute that it would day, each minute that it would hit our building, infect our world.  We were grateful to watch in fear as we were the last county in Missouri to have a case.  We were grateful to have a boss that was a covid tyrant that said these are the rules, now follow them.  That said no to taking any patients that had covid.  That was stricter than the CMS guidelines.

Fast forward to the last month,  I changed jobs.  That boss quit, and I followed him.  It is part of our like mindedness and care of geriatric nursing that I do.  It is as simple as that.  Work is less hard when your boss has like minded goals.  One day at work I started feeling unwell.  I took my temp and I had one.  I went to him and quietly told him,  we tested me and he was testing someone else at the same time. One was positive and one was negative.  He tested both again.  Both negative.  He tested me 3 more times all negative.  No matter, I had a fever so home I went.  When Rachel got home, she informed me that her what we believed was her normal allergy symptoms was now she couldn't taste anything at all.  So I called my boss and told him.  He told us both to come back in the morning to be tested.  He did a quick tested on both.  I was negative, Rachel was positive.  So we both go a lab swab, the next day those results were in and they were the same, I was negative and Rachel was positive.  I was sick for a week.  My temp got up to 103 (never in my adult life has my temp been 103)  I had no appetite along with nausea and diarrhea.  Basically felt awful.  Rachel on the other hand had no further symptoms.  Approximately one week later it hit my nursing home.  It stated with two staff and one patent.  We immediately started testing every staff and every patient every single day, now a little more that 2 weeks from that day we have almost every staff infected and all but 4 patients.

What is the infuriating part to me?  The treatment.  Why is our most week getting very little treatment?  If it was my mother, my father I would say FUCK THE SIDE EFFECT!!!  Right now the side effect is DEATH!!!!  Why aren't people outraged.  Why aren't people demanding that doctors are allowed to be doctors.  Why aren't doctors sewing governors for trying to be doctors.  Why aren't families going on the news demanding that treatment be given to their loved ones.

I am tired.  I am tired of living like this.  I am tired of wearing masks and gowns and face shields at work.  I am tired of the government telling me I need to wear a mask in public.  I am tired of hearing it is my responsibility to protect you from me when people should protect themselves.  I am tired of staying at home. I am tired of seeing lies that others don't.  I am tired of being lied to.  I am tired of people not knowing that this isn't any worse than any other type of flu.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,  I am tired of not seeing my family.  This all started at the beginning of the year.  I saw them last Christmas and I haven't seen them since.  In the beginning everything was uncertain.  Everyone was scared to go near anyone that didn't live in their household that they put traveling bands on all of us.  They made us healthcare workers feel like potential lethal weapons and savers of the universe at the same time.  You stay away from your family because you don't know if your job has made you be infectious or if your family is mistakenly going to make you be "the one" that makes your job infectious.  Nevertheless you are working so much that when your family lives any distance there is little time because you work too much.  

Fast forward to present day,  covid is in my building,  I have had The Corona myself, Christmas is around the corner and it is just the what my soul needs.  To be surrounded by all the aunts, uncles, and cousins that I love and love me.  Due to Covid that has now been cancelled. Christmas with my Mommy, brothers, sister-in-laws, nieces, nephew, aunt and uncle.  The ones that love me unconditionally.  That have loved me through everything and most importantly when I have felt unloveable.  This year that has been postponed until January and even that is depending on Covid.

It will be a year since I seen them.  Never in my life have I went a year without seeing my family.  Even when I lived in North Carolina for 18 months, I drove back 3 times.  I miss them with my entire heart and I can't wait until all this is over.

SOOO.....

From this Geriatric Nurse Chick just let me say.....

To Hell with Covid, 2020, Masks, plastic gowns, face shields and goggles. Fake News, censorship, lies, cover-ups, vaccinations that will kill more than save. Scare tactics, socialism, anyone or anything that tramples on my constitution, and most importantly Go to Hell my rock gut fear that 2021 isn't going to be better. 

HAPPY NURSE'S WEEK

Happy Nurse's Week!!!!!👴😷👵  

What a crazy Nurse's Week we have had this year.  2020 has been a year like I sure never thought I would see.  I am not sure what it is exactly but I know it has rocked the world.  I for one truly do not know what to believe as far as this global pandemic crap goes.  I do know that it is political on both sides of the isle.  I am truly thankful to all my wonderful staff.  We have all grumbled and complained, struggled, been agitated, and are weathering the storm.  We all hate the stupid masks and at the same time are pissed off that we had to have our wonderful community make them for us.  We all hate all the stupid restrictions but are so grateful that this virus has not hit our building.  We want a delicious lunch but thankful that at least we don't have to pay for it.   We are so tired of being essential but grateful we have a job.  We are really tired of non-essential people buying up crap while we are essentially working.  We want to smile at our old folks, but happy they are protected.

So,  Thank You to every one of my nurses for coming in and riding this crazy Geriatric Nurse life.
     Thank You to all my CMT's you know the power that your job has ;) No one want to be there if the drug dealer isn't there.
     Thank You to all my CNA's.  Our eyes, ears and running feet.
     Thank You to to the Boss Man for listening to me complain and even cry at times.  Thank You for the crazy rules to keep this shit out of our building because it is working.

We are all part of a big team family.  One doesn't work without the other and I am so grateful for you all.  

Ummmm........Soooo....Yeah.....Still here!!!!!

So, like I said, I am still here.  Still a Geriatric Nurse Chick.  Still ADON, trying so hard to make a difference, but definitely not as hard as I did 3 years ago when I took this job, with my dreams of making a difference.  Making Geriatric Nursing a better place to work in.  3 years and I can feel my "give a shit" being chipped away.  I started out wanting to make it better.  Wanting to make a good work environment and to be a good role model.  To give everyone off the time that they needed, because if their home life is happier, they will be happier to work.  To show them through my actions that I will never ask them to do something that I am not willing to do myself, because if I show them I am willing then I am no better.  To be a supportive supervisor that is understanding and willing to listen, because I have been there.  We all make mistakes, we all go through rough times and struggles and with honesty I can help.  So after 3 years what has this gotten me?
Well...... A lot of entitlement (not everyone but most).  I don't know if it is human nature or just today's generation of the working class, but it seems if I give someone something, then they want more.  I give them days off that they ask for and soon they ask off for more days than they actually work.  I tell everyone that "I try really hard to give everyone every other weekend" and they start demanding they have off every other weekend.  They are a single mom or weekend sitters cost too much.  I don't leave them hanging when I am on call and they take that as an invitation to call in.  I try really hard to give people holidays off if they want it and end up having to work it myself, then when next year rolls around and I say "well I will try, but you had ALL the holidays off last year"  the reply is.... Well, I have to have it off.
Well, like I said.... my "give a shit" is hanging on by a thread. 
This is Geriatric Nursing!!!  A NURSING HOME!!!!!  The job is 24/7/365!!!  There are no time outs for Christmas, or Easter.  We have it worse that the dang mail man.  He has no idea what through rain, sleet, snow and ice means.  If it floods, go around, get a boat, but get to work.  If it snows, we will come get you.  If there is ice, follow the salt truck.  If there is a tornado, Grab your damn broom and fly your ass to work because there is sweet old people depending on you.
Walmart, Casey's, Dollar General....They won't give you every other weekend off.  They won't care if you are a single mom or your husband only has weekends off, or if your kids have sports games.  You might get off Christmas day, but you will probably work Thanksgiving, and Black Friday will take on new meaning for you.  You won't work just "day" or "evening" shift, you will work whatever you are scheduled.
You think you will get better at another nursing home?  Yeah Right!!!!  That is why I wanted to try this job.  I had goals of making it a better place to work than all the other nursing homes.  The stupid thing is.....It is better than most nursing homes.  For the most part, you get the days you ask for.  You get the holidays you ask for.  Even when we are short staffed our staffing ratio is better than most.  If you come to me and say "hey can you help me".  I stop what I am doing and help.  If you go in the administrator's office and say "will you transfer this patient"  he gets up and does it.  Your administrator is in the dining room assisting with meals all the meals he is here for.  I bet you can't say that about your other administrators.
I just want you all to realize that you chose it.  It's not so bad.  It could definitely be worse, but the heart of the matter is your patients depend on you to show up each day.  They deserve a smile on your face even if you don't feel like smiling.  Life aint fair.  If it was, you wouldn't have a job, because none of these people would need you.

Maybe I should change the title of this Blog

"My life as a Raging Geriatric Nurse"

It just feels like every time I have a bad day I am compelled to Blog.  I am just so tired of taking a beating.  Having to pic up the slack for other peoples mistakes and not being able to get my own work done.  I know as ADON that that is part of my job, but jeesh people....ADMIT your mistakes!!!  Suck it up!!  I would be so much more open about picking up the slack if people would just say "Im sorry, I messed up".  I screw up all the time. I am no where near the perfect nurse or supervisor, but I always confess to my wrong doings.
Being a nurse has got to be one of the hardest jobs in the world.  Its dirty and stressful and emotionally draining.  Its will beat you down and lift you up.  It is a woman driven field where we all work with our emotions and hearts on our sleeves.  We don't need the gossiping and back stabbing that surrounds us.  Hurting each other to make ourselves look good.  I'm not sure why they do it.  It just makes them look bad and causes others to feel bad.  I just want to scream shut up, shut up, shut up!  Stop spreading speculative garbage that it probably not true!  Don't repeat stories you don't know are true.  Don't make up things.  Be optimistic. Don't get pissy because the rules were stretched for someone.  Be considerate of other peoples life, you don't really know what they are going through.  Be grateful of your open minded bosses because you might be going through a difficult time sometime and you might need some consideration sometime.
UGGG.... I get so tired of my own bitching bitching bitching.  I will make things better or get fired trying.
So here is my self pep-talk.....  I can do this!  I will make things better!!! I can do this!!!!  I will always be open minded!!!! I can do this!!!  I will make a positive work place!!!!!  I can do this!! I will be a role model for my co-workers!!!! I can do this!!!  I will be a concerned and loving supervisor!!!!  I can do this!!!!  I will always try to be better!!! I can do this!  I WILL MAKE THINGS BETTER!!!  I WILL MAKE THINGS BETTER!!!! I WILL MAKE THINGS BETTER!!!!

Some times it just beats your heart to death

I'm not one that gets "too" attached anymore.  Most of the time I see a patient that is ill and frail as part of the process of life.  It's normal.  It's just how it happens.  My patent's decline in health until the go to Glory and no longer need my assistance.  I know that it is so hard for the loved ones to see this and accept. It's my job to make their "going home" as peaceful and comfortable as possible.
BUT......
Every once in a while I get this patent that steals my heart from day #1 and it is just so dang hard.  I so much love my job.  I know I am important and what I do matters.  I thank God for giving me the mind set that I have when caring for those in my charge because I just couldn't do it if I grieved for all the way I grieve for a few.  Most I do just love but am happy for them.  That their suffering has come to an end.
SO.....
I just want to take a minute to say this prayer.
Dear Heavenly Father,  Thank You so much for the gifts that you have given me.  Thank You for my heart and the ability to feel compaction and empathy for my patent's and family's.  Thank you form giving me the talent of Nursing and the ability to Love then let go.  Please be with me when I struggle and want to give up.  Be with my mind and heart when it is so hard.  In Jesus name, Amen

Well, I am a blog slacker

I'm here, I'm here.  I am not sure how long it has been but I know it has been a while.
So what's the scoop in my Geriatric Nurse world?
Well, I am now the ADON at the Nursing Home. I applied to the job of Staffing Coordinator, but Corporate changed my job title to ADON.
I applied for the job because I have a passion for making things better for the Nurses and CNA's in the Nursing Home world. I want them to have time off, to not be denied for their earned Vacations. To make this, life in the hardest Nursing job it the world better.  To make the staff WANT to stay.  To keep enough staff that they have time to fall in love with our elderly patients so when times do get tough they can't bring themselves to leave because their hearts won't let them. 
BUT, it is not working.  I can't get to the point I have enough staff to make it work.  I hire a couple and a couple or more leave.  Of coarse some have left because they didn't have a choice and Im sure some have left because even with my good intentions, I am sure I have done something to make someone mad.  My major problem is the way other supervisors talk to some of the staff. There is Nurse's that have forgotten just what it is like being a CNA in a nursing home. Or the Supervisors that forget what it is like to be a Nurse in a Nursing Home.  New policies, new procedures, it is just such an overwhelming job. Inadequate training and no compassion for the night shift for said inadequate training.  
I have never understood why there can be only ONE mandatory meeting for and training.  I really want to schedule some at 2AM and that is all.  See how many people show up in the middle of the night, because at 2pm, that is exactly what you are asking the Night shift to do.
I have goals for staffing, but I just feel like I am never going to be able to make it happen.
I do have to say, that I have hired some really great staff members lately and it gives me hope.  This would include my own daughter.  Let me tell ya, this is an odd experience of apprehension and joy.   I knew what would come with the "well she is the bosses daughter". But, the joy I feel when the patients come up to me and tell me how much they like her and that she is doing a good job....well, swell my heart.  I am having some trouble when I here the other CNA's are putting her through the "normal" treat her like an outsider, new nurse's aid crap.  Not understanding that someone new to this job is going to take a while before they are decent at it, never the less good.
Oh well, I am going to keep trying to make it better. 

WHERE DID I GO?

Has anybody out there been asking that question?  Where is the Geriatric Raging Blogger?  WELL....here I am!!!  I have been here all summer. Unfortunately all I have been doing is working, working, working. Five 12 hour shifts a week, some weeks even more.  None of which was voluntary. Just schedualed that way weather I wanted it or not. IT HAS SUCKED!!  The summer is done, school starts tomarrow and the entire summer was waisted. The only thing I have for it is some extra money to work on the jeep, and I'm really really tired. My house is a mess, my laundry is in a constant mountain and I am constantly overwhelmed by what I am not getting done and guilty because when I am not working, I just want to sleep.  Oh sweet sleep, how I have missed you!!!  As I am sitting here typing I am thinking of how good it would feel just to close my eyes and sleep. 

There is a light at the end of the tunel, but right now it is a very dim light.  They have hired a new nurse...YEA!!!  So why is the light so dim?  Well, because this nurse will be my new partner.  That means he is who I work with every night, which is fine, accept for the fact that he has never worked in a nursing home before.  He has only done home care, that is...one patient at a time, Not 40 to 50. Talk about a whole new world.  OMG, he is going to hate it...probably....I mean I hope not, but probably.  I just am not sure he knows what he is getting himself into.  Keep your fingers crossed for staying power. Because my luck, he will quit just in time to ruin Christmas.

Gosh, I am usually so much more optimistic.  I really need to find some happy in my life.  But here is one reason I keep going.....

(in your mind picture the man in this story with a very heavy southern drawl)
A couple of weeks ago I had been going through the worst 10 days of my nursing career. I walked out of work sat in my car and was physically and emotionally too tired to even drive.  I had 2 days off that was very much needed. I came back to work in a slightly better place but still wanting to just throw in the towel.  One old man seen me, came up to me, put his arm around my shoulder and had this conversation with me....

Nurse Lisa Honey, are you back? Are you my nurse tonight?

Yep, I am, all night.

Good, good, Nurse Lisa Honey, I am glad your my nurse tonight.  I miss you when your gone. I loves you Nurse Lisa Honey!!!

Awww... melt my frozen heart he did.   One old fella, a hug and some sweet talkin got me to put my resume away.  I am way too easy.